Five Stages of Grief. Where am I?

I am sure you have heard of the five stages of grieving. 1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me". 2-Anger-"why me?". 3-Bargaining. 4-Depression. 5-Acceptance. Divorce is definitely one of those times when you grieve continuously. At least that is how it has seemed to me.

In my earlier posts it is clear that I was in the first stage, Denial. It wasn't that I was denying the end of my marriage. I think is was more that I was denying how much this would all effect me. I was pushing forward. I was determined that everything would end for the best and that end result would bring peace and happiness to all of us. That still may be true. The problem with stage one is that I was not honest with myself about how much ending a marriage of 18 years would hurt.

Sometimes I feel like I am still in stage two. Boy, I hope not. I am so tired of being angry. I just want to let go. I want to release all of those dark thoughts and feelings and get back to a positive place in my life. There are definitely days when that seems impossible. Sure, in a perfect world, Nathan would never contact me or complicate my life. But, let's face it, this is not a perfect world. Instead I have to deal with his mood swings and hurtful and/or harmful decisions almost on a daily basis. I never get enough space to breath and re-charge. So yes, I am angry at him all of the time. Even when I try to force myself to focus on something else. I am definitely ready to move on to the next stage.

That brings me to stage three, Bargaining. I think I already went through this stage. In the beginning I tried to bargain with Nathan about everything hoping this would ease the process. It did not. Not even close. In fact, I think it made everything worse because I got my hopes up. Unfortunately, being honest and trying to strike a deal for the good of all does not seem to be a part of divorce. At least not in my case.

The next step in the grieving process is depression. Now I know for a fact that I am there. overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Take your pick. I am experiencing all of this. The question is why. Should I really be grieving over a marriage that was never really happy? Should I be grieving for the loss of a spouse who, for the most part, made my life miserable? Should I be grieving for a change in life style that never made me happy? I don't know. I don't have the answers to those questions. All I know is that I am. I am grieving the loss of a friend, the loss of my dreams and hopes, the loss of innocence in my children, the loss of the years I spent so unhappy. I am grieving for all of it. And yes, I am even grieving for the loss of Nathan. Now how does that make sense? The point is, I don't think it is possible to go through something like this and not grieve. Take it from me, I tried.

The next step will be acceptance. I hope that comes soon. I know I am not there because it still feels like Nathan is a part of my daily life. Definitely not in a good way. But he is still here in my head, on the phone, in my emails, at my door, etc. every day. When will I be allowed to reach the stage of acceptance? I am aiming for very, very soon.

After that, we will see what life brings. I still do believe that when this is all over, I have an amazing life ahead of me. I am just so tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. So, what I have to say to Nathan is "Bring it on". I will tackle this last hurdle and then my life is my own and he won't be able to dictate any part of it ever again.