Here's to Riding the Wave

Financial Independence, college tuition for Eddy and India paid up front, in cash (no student loans), a trip to Europe with a friend, a home for my mom when she wants to be there, a home for me and my kids with an office and an extra bedroom, a housekeeper that comes every other day to clean and do laundry, a personal chef to make healthy meals that I love, someone to take care of the yard, a full retirement fund with money to spare and enough money to pay for an excellent education for my future grandchildren.

What is all of this? Not visions from the television. Not things to wish for. Not even dreams. Rather, these are my goals to be achieved within the next 10 years. You heard me correctly, they are goals. I have no intension of wishing my kids and I could have a better life. After all, this is my life and I have already started living it.

I know it's been a while since my last post. During these months, I have had time to do a lot of soul searching. I have found the true strength in me, and both of my kids. I was laid off from my job in April, took a two month cross country trip with India, to help my mom move, that starting in May, raced home to Eddy during a family crisis in July, decided to start my own Mary Kay business at the end of July, started school full time in August, and finalized my divorce in September. Whew!

So, what did I learn? For one, I learned that my kids are going to be OK. India has gained self-confidence. She speaks in public now, gives presentations in class, and is becoming a leader in class. Today I took her to get her hair cut. She walked right up to the hair dresser and told her what she likes, doesn't like, what she was looking for and asked for tons of advice. This is the first time that she hasn't needed me to "hold her hand" while around someone she doesn't know. She even lets my friend, Joanne, hug her. Every day I see something new and amazing about her. I wish there was a way to show her how proud I really am. I say it all of the time, but I tend to wonder if that is enough. The neat thing is that she is proud of herself. She is beginning her own journey to self-discovery. Someday, I hope she will see, in herself, what I see.

Eddy is finally sleeping. He has struggled with sleep most of his life. Now he is asleep by 9 almost every night. He gets up in the morning and is ready for school before I get up. He is a member of the gamers club at school and is looking into joining the chess club. Eddy does his own laundry without ever being told. He even makes dinner twice a week. He helps India with her computer and looks for opportunities to spend time with her. I am so proud of him too. He has even started to dream a little. He talks about college. He talks about living in a house again. Not as a complaint about our apartment, but as a plan. He even told me a few weeks ago that when he graduates from high school he will probably stay close to home, close to me. I almost cried, but that would have embarrassed him. He laughs, really laughs, even with other people. He is becoming a man so fast. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a son like him.

I have also learned that I don't have to rely on child support or alimony to live due to my own income cap. I spent most of the summer afraid of losing support payments and wondering what I would do if that happened. At that same time, I knew it would be up to me to find a solution and that I would find a way. I never questioned that. I trusted myself, and I trusted god. I knew a way would be made. Go figure, just as I was getting ready to start school for a degree for a profession I didn't want (because I had to have that degree to make a high enough income to survive) a good friend, Summer, talks to me about Mary Kay. Amazing how things work out. I signed up so that I could raise enough money for my own health insurance and car insurance. Instead, I have been given the solution to being able to afford both, and a second car so that Eddy can drive when he gets his license, along with the way to achieve the goals I mentioned above.

By putting God first, family second and career third, I will go as far as I want, as fast as I want. I have no intention of living a quiet life, ashamed of being a single parent, scraping by and settling for my lot in life. No way! That's just not me. Instead, I am moving full steam ahead! I plan to graduate with a 4.0 GPA. I will have a home of my own soon. My mom will have a home of her own. My kids will get whatever degree they are willing to work for without fear of debt at the end. I will travel around the world. I will retire at 65. I will make sure my kids and their kids are provided for, as long as they are willing to work. (Doesn't matter how much I love them, I don't believe handing them a privileged life on a silver platter would be doing them any favors.) I will be able to give back to the community by helping woman in battered woman’s shelters, and charter schools who need more funding to give the best education possible and continue as a public school.

For years I have looked at my life as one long roller coaster and was usually looking for a way off. Now I realize it's a series of choice waves. With faith as my board, I am going to ride every one for the thrill of it. Gnarly....

No More Wasting Time: Trapped?

No More Wasting Time: Trapped?: " I think the greatest myth I have had to overcome was believing, that just because I stayed home with my children and did not go to sch..."

Trapped?

 I think the greatest myth I have had to overcome was believing, that just because I stayed home with my children and did not go to school, I was trapped. I thought that, because I was not contributing financially now, I had to stay in an unhappy marriage to be able to support my children. I thought that, because I did not have a degree, I could not find a job that would allow me to support my children on my own. I thought that, because I do not have a formal education, I will never be successful and/or respectable.  I wanted out of my marriage, I wanted a job I loved and I wanted to go to school and learn what ever I was interested in. But I believed my own myth. I believed I was trapped.

Well guess what? It took some difficult circumstances for me to finally wake up and see reality for what it is, but I did it. I finally realized that I was only as trapped as I allowed myself to be. My previous life experiences were a gift, not a burden, and they were never holding me back. Now I am on my own. I am no longer in an unhappy relationship. I am supporting my children. My life is so much more peaceful.

I have a job that I love with a company who not only allows me to experiment in new fields, but supports me completely and is even helping to pay for me to go to school. I started at this job believing that I was only fit to be an administrative assistant, and even that felt like a stretch. Now I am moving into the IT field and going to school for computer networking. I realized that just because a switch like this has never been done before, within my company, that was not going to stop me from learning what I wanted to learn and doing what I really want to do. Soon, I will be in a position to make a triple digit salary.

I know that I am like thousands of other women out there. Woman who feel “trapped” and can’t see a way out.  You are not, and never really were “trapped.” You are the only one holding you back. You create your future. If you think you are “trapped” because of a certain person, or people, think again. You can’t actually change who those people choose to be. Instead, choose not be around those people.  Your circumstances do not control you. You control your circumstances.

While these statements are true, sometimes these major changes feel too big, and even impossible. So, just like me, you give up over and over again. If you are not happy with your life, and you don’t think you can make the required major changes today, then start small. Maybe it is something as simple as wearing your shoes all day, while at home, so that you can take all of the physical trash and clutter out of your home, one piece at a time, and throwing it in the trash. That one step will help you on your way to finding your own freedom.  Soon you will find yourself wearing your emotional tennis shoes and tossing out emotional clutter as well. I know, this is exactly how I started, and it works.

I have thought about what I would do, if given the tools and the chance. I would help as many people as I can, to release themselves from their own prisons. I have spent my life feeling “trapped” by one thing after another and never feeling like I had control of my own life. Now I know the truth. Now I know that I was only ever as “trapped” as I believed myself to be. It was always up to me, just as it is always up to you.

Have you started tying those shoe laces yet?

The Dreams That Make Your Day

Sometimes it really amazes me how much the last dream you have before waking can affect your whole day. If I have a depressing dream, it is hard to pull out of that depression while awake. If I have a nightmare, I tend to be stressed out all day. If I have a great adventure in my last dream I  am adventurous and up for anything while awake.

This morning I dreamed that I met the perfect man. Perfect for me. He did not have movie star looks, but I thought he was wonderful. He was quite a bit taller than me with dark hair, and a naturally thin build. Not the, "I work out for myslef" build. LOL (Those of you who know me know where that came from). And not the type of build where all you focus on is losing weight and looking great. Just natural. He was layed back and relaxed about everything, but still responsable and trustworthy.  And yes, he was wealthy. This is my dream after all. For me, financial security is big. Not in a greedy way, but just for peace of mind. However, I have to admit the occasional trip to the mall or Steinmart for new cloths is always fun. Gotta love Steinmart!  LOL

That wasn't the best part though. The best part was that I instantly felt at ease around him. Like a lost puzzle piece that is finally found and slips right into place.  He had apparently noticed me on other occations and never said a word until now. When he walked up and asked if he showed up later on, if I would have dinner with him, it just felt right to say yes. And that was it. We were meant to be.

At this point I woke up. HO HUM. But, I am in a great mood now!

Here is to happy dreams for all!

Five Stages of Grief. Where am I?

I am sure you have heard of the five stages of grieving. 1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me". 2-Anger-"why me?". 3-Bargaining. 4-Depression. 5-Acceptance. Divorce is definitely one of those times when you grieve continuously. At least that is how it has seemed to me.

In my earlier posts it is clear that I was in the first stage, Denial. It wasn't that I was denying the end of my marriage. I think is was more that I was denying how much this would all effect me. I was pushing forward. I was determined that everything would end for the best and that end result would bring peace and happiness to all of us. That still may be true. The problem with stage one is that I was not honest with myself about how much ending a marriage of 18 years would hurt.

Sometimes I feel like I am still in stage two. Boy, I hope not. I am so tired of being angry. I just want to let go. I want to release all of those dark thoughts and feelings and get back to a positive place in my life. There are definitely days when that seems impossible. Sure, in a perfect world, Nathan would never contact me or complicate my life. But, let's face it, this is not a perfect world. Instead I have to deal with his mood swings and hurtful and/or harmful decisions almost on a daily basis. I never get enough space to breath and re-charge. So yes, I am angry at him all of the time. Even when I try to force myself to focus on something else. I am definitely ready to move on to the next stage.

That brings me to stage three, Bargaining. I think I already went through this stage. In the beginning I tried to bargain with Nathan about everything hoping this would ease the process. It did not. Not even close. In fact, I think it made everything worse because I got my hopes up. Unfortunately, being honest and trying to strike a deal for the good of all does not seem to be a part of divorce. At least not in my case.

The next step in the grieving process is depression. Now I know for a fact that I am there. overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Take your pick. I am experiencing all of this. The question is why. Should I really be grieving over a marriage that was never really happy? Should I be grieving for the loss of a spouse who, for the most part, made my life miserable? Should I be grieving for a change in life style that never made me happy? I don't know. I don't have the answers to those questions. All I know is that I am. I am grieving the loss of a friend, the loss of my dreams and hopes, the loss of innocence in my children, the loss of the years I spent so unhappy. I am grieving for all of it. And yes, I am even grieving for the loss of Nathan. Now how does that make sense? The point is, I don't think it is possible to go through something like this and not grieve. Take it from me, I tried.

The next step will be acceptance. I hope that comes soon. I know I am not there because it still feels like Nathan is a part of my daily life. Definitely not in a good way. But he is still here in my head, on the phone, in my emails, at my door, etc. every day. When will I be allowed to reach the stage of acceptance? I am aiming for very, very soon.

After that, we will see what life brings. I still do believe that when this is all over, I have an amazing life ahead of me. I am just so tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. So, what I have to say to Nathan is "Bring it on". I will tackle this last hurdle and then my life is my own and he won't be able to dictate any part of it ever again.

Lifting the Haze

I spent most of the day in a haze.For the 3rd night in a row I had woken up around 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. Thoughts,worries and sadness for all that has been lost kept popping up in my mind. It didn't matter how hard I tried to stop these thoughts, they just wouldn't go away. So, I finally got up around 4:30am.

I decided to write Nathan a letter. I talked about the hurt and disappointment that the years have brought. Not just what he brought into my life, but what I brought into my life. I talked about how I truely feel without the rage and without trying to sugar coat everything.

I also told him that I don't think it is possible to be friends at the moment. Trying to do that was causing too much turmoil. I thought I could do it. I thought I could be his friend during this process. Instead, I just got angrier because I had to act like things were OK. Then I felt so much guilt because I was angry and I was supposed to be forgiving him. It was a terribly cycle that just would not end. I have finally learned that forcing feelings that were not really there is definitely not the healthier choice. You feel how you feel, and until you accept your own feelings for what they are, you won't get better. Things will just get worse.

In the end I explained, honestly, how I felt about him moving to California. I told him why I thought it would be better for all of us. I even told him why it would be better for me. In the past I felt like I had to keep that back, or I was a terrible person. So I only talked about why I thought it was best for him and acted like we were ok if he stayed or went. In reality, none of us will be ok if he stays. Not even him. I just couldn't put on the act anymore. So, I told him the truth. Hopefully he will see it as honesty and consider what I said. If he chooses not to, then we will have to learn to find a way to be happy even with him still in our lives on a regular basis. I don't know how to do that. I really hope he does move.

I want to heal. To do that, I have to be honest with myself and with him. It was a hard thing to do. Writing that letter was more difficult than I thought it would be. But, I told the truth. I was not too harsh and I didn't spend the whole time pointing out all of the ugly details. I just stuck with the general idea. It was honest and direct, but not mean. I think it is better that he knows and that I am free to feel what I feel.

Maybe now I will be able to start working on letting go. I need to let go of the pain and the sadness. Let go of the anger and feelings of betrayal. I also need to let go of the connection and the love. I need to let go of what is familiar and look forward to a new future. Not out of spite, but for the joy of it. The message I received today from The Secret said that "when really bad things happen it just means that something much better is on it's way". I believe that.

I sent the email at 7:15am. It took me almost 3 hours to write. When I sent it my stomach churned. That same sick feeling I have had off and on for years was back. I spent the day wondering if he would reply. Part of me hoped he would. Part of me hoped he would be angry. Part of me hoped he would be optimistic. Part of me hoped he would be sad. Part of me hoped he would forgive me. Those are all of the same mixed feelings I experience every day when I think of him.

So, I spent the day in a haze that just would not lift. I was completely unproductive at work. No matter how many times I tried to buckle down and get something done, I just couldn't focus. So I stopped trying. I did a little of this and a little of that, but didn't really get anything done. When I left, I still felt that way.

But, when I walked in the door, I saw India. We made dinner and watched a funny TV show. I love her so much. Sometimes it just takes hearing her laugh to help me get through the day. Finally! I finally had some drive to get moving. So I started packing my library. By the time I finished, I moved out all of the books I was willing to sell, along with tons of odds and ends that I had around my desk. I had enough to sell to fill my entire dining room table and buffet. The rest of the books are still on the shelves, but I packed 6 boxes. The library is done until after the sale. That feels really good.

I think clearing out those old items helped me to clear out my mind too. Knowing that I finally said how I really feel and did not have a response from Nathan has helped. It feels like the years long argument is finally over and no body had to take the blame. What is, just is. I have accepted it, rather than forcing it. Maybe Nathan has too. I am finally at ease. I haven't felt peaceful for a while. I feel good again. Not excited or overly ambitious, but good. The sick feeling in my stomach is gone. I will take that any day.

The Test

I have always thought of procrastination as putting those little things off that you just keep telling yourself you will get to later. I guess today was my later. I have lived in North Carolina for 2 1/2 years. I should have gotten my North Carolina Drivers License 60 days after moving here. I kept telling myself I would get around to it. The truth was that I was afraid to take the test. I was sure I would fail it. Not because I don't know the rules of driving, but just because it would be one more bad situation to add to my long running list.

Well, circumstances have forced it on me. Wouldn't you know it? When people found out that I was going to take the test, each and every one of them had another horror story about the crazy confusing questions and how, if it wasn't them, they all knew people who failed it at least once as an adult. We are talking about seasoned drivers failing a test that almost every 16 year old kid takes and passes just so they can torment us while on the road. If they can do it, shouldn't I be able to pass too? That was the question weighing my mind for days.

So, after studying the book for hours last night, I walk into the DMV. I go up to the reception desk. The nice man behind the counter looks at me and asks, "Do you have your old drivers license?" "Why yes sir, I do." Then he looks at me with a strange gleam in his eye and asks me (I swear, as fast as he could) "Do you also have your birth certificate, Social Security Card, proof of insurance and a utility bill with your current address?" Now this question might seem reasonable until you see that I am literally shaking and could not understand a word he said. So I, politely, ask him to please repeat the question....3 times! Finally understanding what he was requesting I tell him "Why no sir, I do not. But, I will be back". He just grins with that same gleam in his eye as I head for the door.

OK, so if I wasn't already feeling the true blond moment, walking through that gantlet of a crowd to get to the door made me realize that they had all seen and heard the whole thing. Trying not to imagine the chuckles as I leave, I stand up strait and hold my head up high while I slink out the door and climb into my car. I only live 5 minutes down the road, so running home to retrieve the rest of the documents was not big deal, and the break might give me time to pull myself together.

A few minutes later I walk back up to the counter with my documents in hand and give them to the same nice man. He then asks, with a nice volume to his voice, "have you read the book?" "Yes I have" I say "Thank you for asking". He points to a chair and I go sit down. I swear, that last question was just a way to mess with my head. As soon as I sat down, I saw each person around me reviewing a sheet with all of the road signs on it. "Oh Shoot! I don't have that!" Thinking fast, I whip out my heavily reviewed book and find the same information in the book. So I nonchalantly review the information on road signs and then put the book back in my purse, only to pull it out again to read through it one more time while I wait. Well, lets make that 3 or 4 times.

About an hour later I am called up to my designated station. The look on the woman's face as I walked up made me want to turn and run. All I can say is thank God for the dummy in line behind me talking on his cell phone and my gift of gab. As soon as he started his phone conversation, the woman reviewing my paperwork started complaining about people talking on cell phones while she is trying to work. I am not ashamed to say that I joined right in with a huge "Don't you just love me" kind of smile. HA! It totally worked. Next thing you know, we are best buds.

With my mind somewhat at ease, I flew through the sign test. I had them memorized. Then she started filling in my information before I took the rest of the test. The whole time she kept looking at the utility bill that is used to verify my address. So, I stealth-fully gazed over to see what she was seeing. OOOH NOOOO! The date of the bill was from April of 2010. Remember the 60 day rule for getting an NC drivers license. Well, I think it was pretty obvious that I had missed that deadline. Woops. So I play innocent and start chatting about what ever flew into my mind. I was so nervous, I don't ever remember what I talked to her about. OK, yes I do. I told her I hadn't taken a drivers license test in 25 years and that I was scared to death. Again, my hands were shaking like a leaf. She looked at me grinned and said "Oh don't worry about it honey. You will be just fine." Then she turns my documents over and slides them back to me. I love that woman!

Next step is the computer. The computer!! SCORE! I had heard that if you take the test on a computer you get to skip questions and answer the ones you know. I get through 3 questions and know the answers, no problem. Then questions start coming up about things that I didn't read about in the book. Not because it wasn't there, but because I thought it was just generalized information. I thought the test was based on the rules of driving, not the fluff in between. Ugh. I skipped 7 questions in total. Then I answered another 12 missing one on a confusing question about the point system and consequences. I swear it was a trick question. Anyway, I get to the end of the remaining questions and realize that all I have left are some of the questions I had already skipped. So I finish those with best guess answers. LOL I missed one more. I am proud to say that even after not reviewing the whole book (yes I have learned my lesson) and giving my best guess's,I PASSED! YES I DID AND THE FIRST TIME AROUND TOO! Take that you 16 year old show offs.

When it is my time to get my picture taken, the man from the front desk walks to the camera and takes over just as I sit in the chair in front of the beautiful old blue sheet used as a background. Really? He had to come back for my picture? So now he is cracking jokes. I can never tell if he is joking with me, or if he is making fun of me. Either way, the fate of my license is in his hands. So I play along and giggle and laugh. He finally asks me "So, how is Peter doing?". "Peter?" I think. "Who is Peter". Boy I tell you, if there was ever a time to think fast, this was it. So I look him straight in the eye and tell him "It's a shame. He is all grown up now." Well that got his attention. At first I thought I had offended him. Then he started laughing so hard he about fell out of his seat. After pulling himself together he explained to me that he has at least one Wendy come in each day. He has been asking that same question for several years. I was the first to get the joke. He couldn't believe it. After that, I think I finally had his respect. He even let me re-take my photo. Yes it is still awful, but at least I got a second chance.

This time as I walked out the door, I waved to my best bud who was doing her best to make the next victim shake in their boots and told the nice man behind the counter to have a nice day. They both look at me, smile and say "Happy New Year". And oh, what a happy new year this is going to be!

Connecting the Dots

Remember when you were 6 years old and doing a dot-to-dot? You would travel along on the page from one dot to the next. When you finished you were left with something completely different than what you started out with. Your job still wasn’t over. Now you had to fill in the rest with lots of different colors. I don’t know which part I liked best. Was it wondering what it would be, the journey across the page, filling the spaces with color, or the end result? At times it may have been one or two of those things. Others it might have been that feeling of accomplishment went it was complete. Other times I may have taken complete joy in the changing colors. Either way, I loved doing a dot-to-dot.

Looking back I have realized that my life has been a whole book of dot-to-dots. Some were simple and some were really tough to complete. Right now I am working on the most complex one yet. I started out with a page full of dots that appeared as if it would lead to a life full of fear and uncertainty. However, now that I have connected all of the dots such as job, attorney, finances, a home, and the rest of my plans for the kids and me, I can see the basic picture. That is comforting. I know much more about what to expect in the next 6 months to a year.
That brings me to the coloring phase. On this particular dot-to-dot, the coloring is the best part. We are filling in all of the spaces with something positive.

The first section is work. My job keeps getting better each day. I have loved my job from day one. I cannot believe there is room for improvement, but there apparently is. I will fill you with some of the details at a later time. The point is that I am working with a whole rainbow of colors when I go to work each day.

The next couple of dots represented finding an attorney and understanding my kids and my rights. This was not as much fun in the beginning, but with some reassurance from my mom and some friends I was able to move on from one dot to the next. Now I am filling that section in with a whole lot of black and white.

When I first started working on the section that covered my finances for the future I was afraid that the only color that would match would be red. However, it turns out that red clashes. Not even The Red Hatters club could make red work here. Nope, it’s green. All shades of green.

The last section is huge. It’s my home life. It is filled with things like having a place to live, selling everything we don’t need,packing, moving, replacing what needs to be replaced such as furniture that will fit in an apartment rather that a big house. Then you have organizing appointments, meals, errands, health and making sure my kids have what they need. Not just on a monetary level, but mostly on an emotional level. The list just keeps going on. This section is also full of colors. I am thinking blues for calm, white for introspection, purple for love, yellow for health and all of the colors in-between.

So what does the completed picture look like? Well, let me describe it to you. There are three people in the center standing close together and holding hands. A woman and two children. The woman is looking at the two children who are almost grown. She is serene, and proud and full of love. The two children are standing up straight. They are not looking at the floor. Instead they look at each other with wide grins full of acceptance and confidence. There is also a gleam in their eyes that reflects a touch of mischief. In the background you see so many other people. Some are family members, some are friends, and some are just people who have come into their lives at the right time and helped them along the way. The full picture is like a stained glass window that looks nice on all occasions, but when the light shines through….It’s glorious!

Man I love connecting the dots!




Personal blog

Good Things Come!

Most of my posts are usually geared more towards deeper thinking and finding my way through the crazy maze that is my life. Today, however, is a little different. Tomorrow should get back to normal. LOL

You know that saying "Good things come to those that wait"? The more I think about it,this saying gives the wrong message. It tells you that you must wait. It should simply be "Good things come". This version gives you more control. You can decide to wait, or act now. Either way, something good is on it's way. And today was full of a whole lot of good...

This morning Elizabeth, one of my best friends and a co-worker, informed me that there is a news story out today stating that the state of North Carolina has recovered $53 Million from fraudulent Medicaid claims. One of my jobs at Myers and Stauffer is to review Medicaid claims from different health care providers to find fraudulent Medicaid payment requests. That means that I actually made a difference. My boss estimated that I personally saved the state millions. I can't take all of the credit though. I work with a great team. Lori, another one of my best buds, also reviewed claims, Elizabeth reviewed our work, and Rob (my boss) did the final reviews. We all did it together. I can't tell you how good that feels. I actually helped to save North Carolina tax payers money. I always knew that I was doing good, but the idea of Medicaid just seems so huge to me. This time my accomplishments were put into perspective. Man, I love my job more each day.

Here is another interesting tidbit. Back in November our parent company, CBIZ, had a company wide food drive. Each office not only collected food, but had to create a display. There was a little friendly competition going on between the offices. One for the average pounds per employee in the office. The second for the display. I work specifically for Myers and Stauffer. We have 13 offices through out the united states. (Yes! I am very proud of my company and must brag...at least a little)

As admin, this project was mine. Go figure. Lori, being the fun friend that she is, volunteered to help. I then expertly recruited our new receptionist. I did this during her interview. Let's just say that she was very enthusiastic about helping out with this. (insert evil laugh here) Note to self: Remember that for the next interview.

The CBIZ theme was "Fill 'er UP!" Lori came up with our office theme - North Carolina Race Way. My job was coming up with the details. Jennifer helped us both during the whole set up wich took the entire day. The basic design was this: We have an oval shaped conference room table that we turned into a race track. We created stands for the fans and covered several hundred cans with different smile faces that I downloaded and printed out. Jennifer graciously spent several hours covering those cans while Lori and I started construction. I am sure you figured out that the cans were the fans. (Sorry, I had to say it) We created a race car out of a macaroni box, a sardine can, and Hotweels yo-yos for the tires. Busted Bob, the winner of the race, had several lovely smile face groupies with big red lips. There was a news truck made up from a saltine cracker box and an entire paratrooper news crew present to record it all for posterity. It was Awesome! I have included our entry description and some photos below.

Well, we heard the results for the pounds per employee last month. We all figured we either didn't rank too high for the display or that they just forgot. I sent several emails with requests to know if there were any results and never heard back. So we Ho Hummed for weeks and finally let it go.

Today we all received an mail. "The Myers and Stauffer Raleigh office has won third place in the whole company for there food drive display! Great job promoting Myers and Stauffer nation wide!" We were all raising the roof and boasting about how truly awesome we are. We giggled like little school girls. Even my boss, Rob. (No, not really, but that would have been pretty funny. I think I would have had to stealth-fully turn on the voice recorder on my phone for that one. Drats!) My boss was extremely proud to have his office win such a prestigious award. However, we were all a little puzzled by the "whole company" statement. We only receive results for Myers and Stauffer. So I sent an email asking for a little elaboration. The return reply stated that we won third prize for the whole company, as in CBIZ, not just Myers and Stauffer. CBIZ has 153 different offices all over the country. Yup, that is just how truly awesome we are....

Oh, one more note. She also mentioned in her company wide announcement, that they should all see our Halloween displays. Guess who does that? Hey, why are you having to think about it? Why hesitate? Of course it's me! Duhhh! I have a small obsessing with Halloween. LOL. People from other offices in our building and all of the delivery people take the tour. I am a pro!

I have some additional interesting news concerning waiting for good things to come. Remember the post from new years eve? I mentioned two drawings I had entered that day? One at Best buy for a Sony television, and the second at Rooms to Go for $1000 to put towards new furniture. All day long I kept telling myself, "I won! The prize is mine!" I was so excited because I just knew I was going to win. Both kids thought I had a screw or two loose by the end of the night.

Before going home that night, we stopped at the gas station to fill up the tank. I did not pay too much attention to the numbers. What I did notice was the screen flashing a new years eve message saying you won! It didn't register at the time because I thought it was an ad, so I ignored it. Sunday morning I checked my bank account online. There was the charge for the gas I pumped. Now, wait for it...., it was only $1.00. No, I did not go into the gas station to purchase a lottery ticket, it was the bill for a full tank of gas. So, I did win. I just didn't win the television and furniture money......YET.

Today, because I am always ever so patient, I called Best Buy and Rooms to go. I informed the very nice people on the line that I was calling to inquire as to when I would be recieving my phone call confirming that I had won the television and the $1000 prize. Seriously, I really did. They both laughed, but took the time to speak to their managers to find out.

When the Best Buy employee returned to the phone he told me that the drawing will be held on Friday, Jan 7. I will receive my call from an employee a few days later. Again, yes, he really said that. "You will receive your call a few days later". See, the tv is already mine! I knew it.

The girl from rooms to go came back to the phone and told me that the entries were sent to their corporate office and the drawing will be soon, but she didn't have an exact date. She then said to me, "When they tell us we can call, we will call you to officially inform you that the money is yours". She actually said that. LOL I told her I already have the furniture picked out. Yes! (goofy arm pump) the prize is mine!

So you see, it doesn't matter weather you wait or not. Good things come.

FOOD DRIVE ENTRY

You said to FILL'ER UP, so we did. We re-created the Lowes Motor Speedway in Charlotte, NC and filled the stands with canned food. The News 13 Paratrooper reporters were on the scene to announce the winner of the race as Busted Bob in a beefed up Kraft Macaroni & Cheese box and canned sardines for the cockpit. Busted Bob was, of course, sponsored by CBIZ and Myers & Stauffer PLLC of Raleigh. The sardine fumes alone acted as extra strength Nitro to lead him to victory. Either that or the other drivers couldn't stand the odor and drove right off the track, who knows.... While Bob may have a few bumps and bruises, he is happy as a canned clam with his trophy and fans surrounding him.




Personal blog

Always Trust Your Instincts

I believe this has become my mothers motto. It is great advice. When you are in turmoil and don't know what to do, or just feel like something is not right, always trust your instincts. This is not the easiest advice to follow. Not when you head says one thing, your heart says another, and others add in their opinions. Sometimes it is hard to hear that little voice inside. Even when it is screaming to be heard.

We spend so much time in our lives trying to fix our own and others problems. Wouldn't it be nice to always have the ability to see yourself so clearly that you never had doubt? What would it be like to trust yourself to such an extent that no one and nothing can make you second guess? What if every time you had to make a truly hard decision you heard that voice and always had such faith in yourself that you simply did what the voice,you, said to do.

A truly interesting example of this concept, for me, is Joan of Arc. We all know the tale. She was a young girl who dressed in men's armor and led an army to victory simply because a voice told her to. Granted, the legend also says it nagged at her unceasingly. I think under that kind of barrage, I might do what it said just to get it to leave me be. And, it may be possible that wishing the voice would leave her alone had more to do with why she blindly followed the instructions given to her. We aren't her. We don't know.

Legend says the voice was God. Maybe the voice was simply her. Maybe there is no real mystery to what she was able to accomplish. I think that sometimes it is easier for people to believe in a mysterious voice, than it is to believe in the strength and wisdom of a young untested girl who was unbelievably brave and clever.

Then again, maybe her spirit within was so strong that she took the time to listen to what it said. Maybe by simply listening to herself she was able to do what the "smarter" and "seasoned" war generals were unable to do. Maybe she trusted her instincts.

Now I ask you, how much do you listen to yourself? How much do you believe in yourself? How much do you trust your own instincts? You may think Joan of Arc was different than you or me. Personally, I believe this kind of power and genius is in all of us. We just need to learn to filter out all of the other distractions and trust our own instincts. I have found that by following my mothers advice, and trusting my instincts, that I am always able to wade through the most difficult situations and find the solution.

I have found that it is only when I lose faith in me that I truly struggle and lose my way. I am back to trusting my instincts. And wouldn't you know it, just as I am able to center myself again, the answers come one after another. Just like Joan of Arc and the voice in her head. Now last nights dilemma is todays solution. All I had to do was trust my instincts.

Thank you, Mom, for everything you have taught me over the years. You have taught me the difference between right and wrong. You have taught me compassion and strength. But, above all, you have taught me to trust me. And Mom, I have to say, that accomplishing so much with someone who has struggled as much as I have, you are pretty amazing. You are just as much of a hero as the great Joan of Arc. To me you are so much more.




Personal blog

When Do Our Childhood Dreams Become a Reality?

It is interesting to look back on what your dreams were as a child and compare them to your life today. Think about it. As a child, everything is bigger than life. You really felt like what you imagined will come true. You can shoot for the moon and know you will get there some day. Pink elephants really do have wings. And, if you spin around fast enough, you really will turn into Wonder Woman. Looking back, I believe I have accomplished many of my "crazy" child hood dreams.

Child Hood Dream #1. Wonder Woman
Yes, I went through the wonder woman phase. What's really funny is that I forced my cousin, Robbie, to go through it too. Hee Hee. I made him play Steve, Wonder Woman's heart throb who continually found himself in life or death situations. I would tape on my golden crown and bracelets made of yellow paper, grab my bit of bailing twine for the golden lasso, tie Robbie to a tree and spin away. Of course, I always saved him. After all, didn't Wonder Woman always know how to save the day? Interesting how those skills followed me into adulthood. Let me explain.

While living in Colorado I was either PTA President, or Vice President (Thanks to Gwen for taking the job as head honcho when I ran out of steam) for about 5 years. While we never had a chocolate cake (always my heart throb) in a life or death situation before its time at the cake walk, I did have to spin in circles really really fast on a daily basis to make the magic that is parent volunteering happen. We spent months each year teaching all of those munchkins about manners, love, compassion, safety, strangers, drugs and alcohol. We helped with the supplies needed by our teachers who already gave so much. We raised funds and arranged field trips so that our munchkins could see what was on the other side of the sand hill. HA! I think I grew up to be a super hero after all. We all did.

Childhood Dream #2. I'm Gonna Be a Cop When I Grow UP
I remember wanting to be a Cop. Not a Police Officer, oh no. That was not exciting enough. Nope, I was gonna be a Cop. In parralell, when I look at my life today and realize how much time I have spent policing my own two children. And yes, they keep me hopping. The excitement never ends with them. See, dream #2 achieved.

Childhood Dream #3. I Will Visit The Land Of Fairy
Now you might be asking yourself, "How does one achieve this?" Let me tell you. I have managed to break into the land of fairy on several occasions. I am not talking about reading fantasy books. Although, I have been known to do that when ever I get the chance. While living in New Hampshire I owned and ran my own business. You might think that this type of adult venture would have nothing to do with fairies, magic toadstools, and swords in stones. But, to the contrary, it had everything to do with these and more. I named my business Endless Possibilities. I was an event planner, specializing in children's parties. My job was not just to provide a clown and cake, although that happened on occasion. My real job was to transform the birthday child's home into a whole new world. I battled huge red dragons, cast spells with Merlin, fought duals, built entire castles, landed on the moon, flew through the air with butterflies, crashed my plane in a jungle, hunted for pirates treasure, and so much more. But, to top it all off,  I spent three whole days bringing fairies to my own home. Our entire basement had fairies flying through the air, magic toad stools so big you could sit on them, a waterfall with flying fish who could really fly and magic fairy dust everywhere. Dream #3 accomplished!

My final and most important childhood dream was to do something great. Not neat, but really great. So...
Childhood Dream #4. Do Something Great!
This one is not so easy to achieve. I have done a lot in my life time. I have been a teacher (Sunday school), owned my own business's (including Amway. Yes I know. Laugh away), PTA President, Politics (School Board Member), and the list goes on. Still, for years I have felt like I have not really accomplished much. Last night that little light bulb above my head lights up like The Fourth Of July.

I have raised two children who have grown up dealing with issues like my cancer in 2002. Moving to Colorado where they knew no one and for a year lived in a trailer infested with rats and bugs and no heat. Nathan, their dad, suffered from a mental break down and let me just say, that was not a good time in any of our lives. They have also lived with their fathers drug and alchohol abuse. He did not buy drugs off of the street. His pain doctor prescribed the medications and warned us that this would happen. Knowing that still didn't make our lives any better. When the meds didn't work, he self medicated with alcohol. Moving to North Carolina was no picnic for them either. Last year we finally got an explanation for Nathans anger and mood swings. He is bi-polar. Now they are living with Divorce. While the divorce is not final yet, we are living as though it is. They have gone through all of this and they can still laugh. Last night they laughed until 1am. A new year began at midnight, and they carried their hope for a better life right into next year. I cannot be prouder of them. So yes, I beilive I have acomplished Childhood dream #4. I have done somthing great after all. I have raised two strong, loving and capable children who have my upmost respect.

Now that I have become Wonder Woman who does the job of a cop daily, have danced with the fairies and acomplished something spectacular, I am ready to move on. My new dream, not childhood, but adult dream is to live life to the fullest. I plan to never take a day for grantid. I will read, travel, learn and grow spiritually. I know I will acomplish all of this. I have proven to myself that I really can do anything. I just have to believe.

Live your dreams everyone. Look Back. You may find you already have and there is room for something new.

By the way, if you like my blog, click on the "Follow" link to the left. You will receive an email every time I update. No promises on weather it will be every day, week, month or year. I will update when the mood strikes.




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