Here's to Riding the Wave

Financial Independence, college tuition for Eddy and India paid up front, in cash (no student loans), a trip to Europe with a friend, a home for my mom when she wants to be there, a home for me and my kids with an office and an extra bedroom, a housekeeper that comes every other day to clean and do laundry, a personal chef to make healthy meals that I love, someone to take care of the yard, a full retirement fund with money to spare and enough money to pay for an excellent education for my future grandchildren.

What is all of this? Not visions from the television. Not things to wish for. Not even dreams. Rather, these are my goals to be achieved within the next 10 years. You heard me correctly, they are goals. I have no intension of wishing my kids and I could have a better life. After all, this is my life and I have already started living it.

I know it's been a while since my last post. During these months, I have had time to do a lot of soul searching. I have found the true strength in me, and both of my kids. I was laid off from my job in April, took a two month cross country trip with India, to help my mom move, that starting in May, raced home to Eddy during a family crisis in July, decided to start my own Mary Kay business at the end of July, started school full time in August, and finalized my divorce in September. Whew!

So, what did I learn? For one, I learned that my kids are going to be OK. India has gained self-confidence. She speaks in public now, gives presentations in class, and is becoming a leader in class. Today I took her to get her hair cut. She walked right up to the hair dresser and told her what she likes, doesn't like, what she was looking for and asked for tons of advice. This is the first time that she hasn't needed me to "hold her hand" while around someone she doesn't know. She even lets my friend, Joanne, hug her. Every day I see something new and amazing about her. I wish there was a way to show her how proud I really am. I say it all of the time, but I tend to wonder if that is enough. The neat thing is that she is proud of herself. She is beginning her own journey to self-discovery. Someday, I hope she will see, in herself, what I see.

Eddy is finally sleeping. He has struggled with sleep most of his life. Now he is asleep by 9 almost every night. He gets up in the morning and is ready for school before I get up. He is a member of the gamers club at school and is looking into joining the chess club. Eddy does his own laundry without ever being told. He even makes dinner twice a week. He helps India with her computer and looks for opportunities to spend time with her. I am so proud of him too. He has even started to dream a little. He talks about college. He talks about living in a house again. Not as a complaint about our apartment, but as a plan. He even told me a few weeks ago that when he graduates from high school he will probably stay close to home, close to me. I almost cried, but that would have embarrassed him. He laughs, really laughs, even with other people. He is becoming a man so fast. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a son like him.

I have also learned that I don't have to rely on child support or alimony to live due to my own income cap. I spent most of the summer afraid of losing support payments and wondering what I would do if that happened. At that same time, I knew it would be up to me to find a solution and that I would find a way. I never questioned that. I trusted myself, and I trusted god. I knew a way would be made. Go figure, just as I was getting ready to start school for a degree for a profession I didn't want (because I had to have that degree to make a high enough income to survive) a good friend, Summer, talks to me about Mary Kay. Amazing how things work out. I signed up so that I could raise enough money for my own health insurance and car insurance. Instead, I have been given the solution to being able to afford both, and a second car so that Eddy can drive when he gets his license, along with the way to achieve the goals I mentioned above.

By putting God first, family second and career third, I will go as far as I want, as fast as I want. I have no intention of living a quiet life, ashamed of being a single parent, scraping by and settling for my lot in life. No way! That's just not me. Instead, I am moving full steam ahead! I plan to graduate with a 4.0 GPA. I will have a home of my own soon. My mom will have a home of her own. My kids will get whatever degree they are willing to work for without fear of debt at the end. I will travel around the world. I will retire at 65. I will make sure my kids and their kids are provided for, as long as they are willing to work. (Doesn't matter how much I love them, I don't believe handing them a privileged life on a silver platter would be doing them any favors.) I will be able to give back to the community by helping woman in battered woman’s shelters, and charter schools who need more funding to give the best education possible and continue as a public school.

For years I have looked at my life as one long roller coaster and was usually looking for a way off. Now I realize it's a series of choice waves. With faith as my board, I am going to ride every one for the thrill of it. Gnarly....

No More Wasting Time: Trapped?

No More Wasting Time: Trapped?: " I think the greatest myth I have had to overcome was believing, that just because I stayed home with my children and did not go to sch..."

Trapped?

 I think the greatest myth I have had to overcome was believing, that just because I stayed home with my children and did not go to school, I was trapped. I thought that, because I was not contributing financially now, I had to stay in an unhappy marriage to be able to support my children. I thought that, because I did not have a degree, I could not find a job that would allow me to support my children on my own. I thought that, because I do not have a formal education, I will never be successful and/or respectable.  I wanted out of my marriage, I wanted a job I loved and I wanted to go to school and learn what ever I was interested in. But I believed my own myth. I believed I was trapped.

Well guess what? It took some difficult circumstances for me to finally wake up and see reality for what it is, but I did it. I finally realized that I was only as trapped as I allowed myself to be. My previous life experiences were a gift, not a burden, and they were never holding me back. Now I am on my own. I am no longer in an unhappy relationship. I am supporting my children. My life is so much more peaceful.

I have a job that I love with a company who not only allows me to experiment in new fields, but supports me completely and is even helping to pay for me to go to school. I started at this job believing that I was only fit to be an administrative assistant, and even that felt like a stretch. Now I am moving into the IT field and going to school for computer networking. I realized that just because a switch like this has never been done before, within my company, that was not going to stop me from learning what I wanted to learn and doing what I really want to do. Soon, I will be in a position to make a triple digit salary.

I know that I am like thousands of other women out there. Woman who feel “trapped” and can’t see a way out.  You are not, and never really were “trapped.” You are the only one holding you back. You create your future. If you think you are “trapped” because of a certain person, or people, think again. You can’t actually change who those people choose to be. Instead, choose not be around those people.  Your circumstances do not control you. You control your circumstances.

While these statements are true, sometimes these major changes feel too big, and even impossible. So, just like me, you give up over and over again. If you are not happy with your life, and you don’t think you can make the required major changes today, then start small. Maybe it is something as simple as wearing your shoes all day, while at home, so that you can take all of the physical trash and clutter out of your home, one piece at a time, and throwing it in the trash. That one step will help you on your way to finding your own freedom.  Soon you will find yourself wearing your emotional tennis shoes and tossing out emotional clutter as well. I know, this is exactly how I started, and it works.

I have thought about what I would do, if given the tools and the chance. I would help as many people as I can, to release themselves from their own prisons. I have spent my life feeling “trapped” by one thing after another and never feeling like I had control of my own life. Now I know the truth. Now I know that I was only ever as “trapped” as I believed myself to be. It was always up to me, just as it is always up to you.

Have you started tying those shoe laces yet?

The Dreams That Make Your Day

Sometimes it really amazes me how much the last dream you have before waking can affect your whole day. If I have a depressing dream, it is hard to pull out of that depression while awake. If I have a nightmare, I tend to be stressed out all day. If I have a great adventure in my last dream I  am adventurous and up for anything while awake.

This morning I dreamed that I met the perfect man. Perfect for me. He did not have movie star looks, but I thought he was wonderful. He was quite a bit taller than me with dark hair, and a naturally thin build. Not the, "I work out for myslef" build. LOL (Those of you who know me know where that came from). And not the type of build where all you focus on is losing weight and looking great. Just natural. He was layed back and relaxed about everything, but still responsable and trustworthy.  And yes, he was wealthy. This is my dream after all. For me, financial security is big. Not in a greedy way, but just for peace of mind. However, I have to admit the occasional trip to the mall or Steinmart for new cloths is always fun. Gotta love Steinmart!  LOL

That wasn't the best part though. The best part was that I instantly felt at ease around him. Like a lost puzzle piece that is finally found and slips right into place.  He had apparently noticed me on other occations and never said a word until now. When he walked up and asked if he showed up later on, if I would have dinner with him, it just felt right to say yes. And that was it. We were meant to be.

At this point I woke up. HO HUM. But, I am in a great mood now!

Here is to happy dreams for all!

Five Stages of Grief. Where am I?

I am sure you have heard of the five stages of grieving. 1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me". 2-Anger-"why me?". 3-Bargaining. 4-Depression. 5-Acceptance. Divorce is definitely one of those times when you grieve continuously. At least that is how it has seemed to me.

In my earlier posts it is clear that I was in the first stage, Denial. It wasn't that I was denying the end of my marriage. I think is was more that I was denying how much this would all effect me. I was pushing forward. I was determined that everything would end for the best and that end result would bring peace and happiness to all of us. That still may be true. The problem with stage one is that I was not honest with myself about how much ending a marriage of 18 years would hurt.

Sometimes I feel like I am still in stage two. Boy, I hope not. I am so tired of being angry. I just want to let go. I want to release all of those dark thoughts and feelings and get back to a positive place in my life. There are definitely days when that seems impossible. Sure, in a perfect world, Nathan would never contact me or complicate my life. But, let's face it, this is not a perfect world. Instead I have to deal with his mood swings and hurtful and/or harmful decisions almost on a daily basis. I never get enough space to breath and re-charge. So yes, I am angry at him all of the time. Even when I try to force myself to focus on something else. I am definitely ready to move on to the next stage.

That brings me to stage three, Bargaining. I think I already went through this stage. In the beginning I tried to bargain with Nathan about everything hoping this would ease the process. It did not. Not even close. In fact, I think it made everything worse because I got my hopes up. Unfortunately, being honest and trying to strike a deal for the good of all does not seem to be a part of divorce. At least not in my case.

The next step in the grieving process is depression. Now I know for a fact that I am there. overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Take your pick. I am experiencing all of this. The question is why. Should I really be grieving over a marriage that was never really happy? Should I be grieving for the loss of a spouse who, for the most part, made my life miserable? Should I be grieving for a change in life style that never made me happy? I don't know. I don't have the answers to those questions. All I know is that I am. I am grieving the loss of a friend, the loss of my dreams and hopes, the loss of innocence in my children, the loss of the years I spent so unhappy. I am grieving for all of it. And yes, I am even grieving for the loss of Nathan. Now how does that make sense? The point is, I don't think it is possible to go through something like this and not grieve. Take it from me, I tried.

The next step will be acceptance. I hope that comes soon. I know I am not there because it still feels like Nathan is a part of my daily life. Definitely not in a good way. But he is still here in my head, on the phone, in my emails, at my door, etc. every day. When will I be allowed to reach the stage of acceptance? I am aiming for very, very soon.

After that, we will see what life brings. I still do believe that when this is all over, I have an amazing life ahead of me. I am just so tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. So, what I have to say to Nathan is "Bring it on". I will tackle this last hurdle and then my life is my own and he won't be able to dictate any part of it ever again.

Lifting the Haze

I spent most of the day in a haze.For the 3rd night in a row I had woken up around 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. Thoughts,worries and sadness for all that has been lost kept popping up in my mind. It didn't matter how hard I tried to stop these thoughts, they just wouldn't go away. So, I finally got up around 4:30am.

I decided to write Nathan a letter. I talked about the hurt and disappointment that the years have brought. Not just what he brought into my life, but what I brought into my life. I talked about how I truely feel without the rage and without trying to sugar coat everything.

I also told him that I don't think it is possible to be friends at the moment. Trying to do that was causing too much turmoil. I thought I could do it. I thought I could be his friend during this process. Instead, I just got angrier because I had to act like things were OK. Then I felt so much guilt because I was angry and I was supposed to be forgiving him. It was a terribly cycle that just would not end. I have finally learned that forcing feelings that were not really there is definitely not the healthier choice. You feel how you feel, and until you accept your own feelings for what they are, you won't get better. Things will just get worse.

In the end I explained, honestly, how I felt about him moving to California. I told him why I thought it would be better for all of us. I even told him why it would be better for me. In the past I felt like I had to keep that back, or I was a terrible person. So I only talked about why I thought it was best for him and acted like we were ok if he stayed or went. In reality, none of us will be ok if he stays. Not even him. I just couldn't put on the act anymore. So, I told him the truth. Hopefully he will see it as honesty and consider what I said. If he chooses not to, then we will have to learn to find a way to be happy even with him still in our lives on a regular basis. I don't know how to do that. I really hope he does move.

I want to heal. To do that, I have to be honest with myself and with him. It was a hard thing to do. Writing that letter was more difficult than I thought it would be. But, I told the truth. I was not too harsh and I didn't spend the whole time pointing out all of the ugly details. I just stuck with the general idea. It was honest and direct, but not mean. I think it is better that he knows and that I am free to feel what I feel.

Maybe now I will be able to start working on letting go. I need to let go of the pain and the sadness. Let go of the anger and feelings of betrayal. I also need to let go of the connection and the love. I need to let go of what is familiar and look forward to a new future. Not out of spite, but for the joy of it. The message I received today from The Secret said that "when really bad things happen it just means that something much better is on it's way". I believe that.

I sent the email at 7:15am. It took me almost 3 hours to write. When I sent it my stomach churned. That same sick feeling I have had off and on for years was back. I spent the day wondering if he would reply. Part of me hoped he would. Part of me hoped he would be angry. Part of me hoped he would be optimistic. Part of me hoped he would be sad. Part of me hoped he would forgive me. Those are all of the same mixed feelings I experience every day when I think of him.

So, I spent the day in a haze that just would not lift. I was completely unproductive at work. No matter how many times I tried to buckle down and get something done, I just couldn't focus. So I stopped trying. I did a little of this and a little of that, but didn't really get anything done. When I left, I still felt that way.

But, when I walked in the door, I saw India. We made dinner and watched a funny TV show. I love her so much. Sometimes it just takes hearing her laugh to help me get through the day. Finally! I finally had some drive to get moving. So I started packing my library. By the time I finished, I moved out all of the books I was willing to sell, along with tons of odds and ends that I had around my desk. I had enough to sell to fill my entire dining room table and buffet. The rest of the books are still on the shelves, but I packed 6 boxes. The library is done until after the sale. That feels really good.

I think clearing out those old items helped me to clear out my mind too. Knowing that I finally said how I really feel and did not have a response from Nathan has helped. It feels like the years long argument is finally over and no body had to take the blame. What is, just is. I have accepted it, rather than forcing it. Maybe Nathan has too. I am finally at ease. I haven't felt peaceful for a while. I feel good again. Not excited or overly ambitious, but good. The sick feeling in my stomach is gone. I will take that any day.

The Test

I have always thought of procrastination as putting those little things off that you just keep telling yourself you will get to later. I guess today was my later. I have lived in North Carolina for 2 1/2 years. I should have gotten my North Carolina Drivers License 60 days after moving here. I kept telling myself I would get around to it. The truth was that I was afraid to take the test. I was sure I would fail it. Not because I don't know the rules of driving, but just because it would be one more bad situation to add to my long running list.

Well, circumstances have forced it on me. Wouldn't you know it? When people found out that I was going to take the test, each and every one of them had another horror story about the crazy confusing questions and how, if it wasn't them, they all knew people who failed it at least once as an adult. We are talking about seasoned drivers failing a test that almost every 16 year old kid takes and passes just so they can torment us while on the road. If they can do it, shouldn't I be able to pass too? That was the question weighing my mind for days.

So, after studying the book for hours last night, I walk into the DMV. I go up to the reception desk. The nice man behind the counter looks at me and asks, "Do you have your old drivers license?" "Why yes sir, I do." Then he looks at me with a strange gleam in his eye and asks me (I swear, as fast as he could) "Do you also have your birth certificate, Social Security Card, proof of insurance and a utility bill with your current address?" Now this question might seem reasonable until you see that I am literally shaking and could not understand a word he said. So I, politely, ask him to please repeat the question....3 times! Finally understanding what he was requesting I tell him "Why no sir, I do not. But, I will be back". He just grins with that same gleam in his eye as I head for the door.

OK, so if I wasn't already feeling the true blond moment, walking through that gantlet of a crowd to get to the door made me realize that they had all seen and heard the whole thing. Trying not to imagine the chuckles as I leave, I stand up strait and hold my head up high while I slink out the door and climb into my car. I only live 5 minutes down the road, so running home to retrieve the rest of the documents was not big deal, and the break might give me time to pull myself together.

A few minutes later I walk back up to the counter with my documents in hand and give them to the same nice man. He then asks, with a nice volume to his voice, "have you read the book?" "Yes I have" I say "Thank you for asking". He points to a chair and I go sit down. I swear, that last question was just a way to mess with my head. As soon as I sat down, I saw each person around me reviewing a sheet with all of the road signs on it. "Oh Shoot! I don't have that!" Thinking fast, I whip out my heavily reviewed book and find the same information in the book. So I nonchalantly review the information on road signs and then put the book back in my purse, only to pull it out again to read through it one more time while I wait. Well, lets make that 3 or 4 times.

About an hour later I am called up to my designated station. The look on the woman's face as I walked up made me want to turn and run. All I can say is thank God for the dummy in line behind me talking on his cell phone and my gift of gab. As soon as he started his phone conversation, the woman reviewing my paperwork started complaining about people talking on cell phones while she is trying to work. I am not ashamed to say that I joined right in with a huge "Don't you just love me" kind of smile. HA! It totally worked. Next thing you know, we are best buds.

With my mind somewhat at ease, I flew through the sign test. I had them memorized. Then she started filling in my information before I took the rest of the test. The whole time she kept looking at the utility bill that is used to verify my address. So, I stealth-fully gazed over to see what she was seeing. OOOH NOOOO! The date of the bill was from April of 2010. Remember the 60 day rule for getting an NC drivers license. Well, I think it was pretty obvious that I had missed that deadline. Woops. So I play innocent and start chatting about what ever flew into my mind. I was so nervous, I don't ever remember what I talked to her about. OK, yes I do. I told her I hadn't taken a drivers license test in 25 years and that I was scared to death. Again, my hands were shaking like a leaf. She looked at me grinned and said "Oh don't worry about it honey. You will be just fine." Then she turns my documents over and slides them back to me. I love that woman!

Next step is the computer. The computer!! SCORE! I had heard that if you take the test on a computer you get to skip questions and answer the ones you know. I get through 3 questions and know the answers, no problem. Then questions start coming up about things that I didn't read about in the book. Not because it wasn't there, but because I thought it was just generalized information. I thought the test was based on the rules of driving, not the fluff in between. Ugh. I skipped 7 questions in total. Then I answered another 12 missing one on a confusing question about the point system and consequences. I swear it was a trick question. Anyway, I get to the end of the remaining questions and realize that all I have left are some of the questions I had already skipped. So I finish those with best guess answers. LOL I missed one more. I am proud to say that even after not reviewing the whole book (yes I have learned my lesson) and giving my best guess's,I PASSED! YES I DID AND THE FIRST TIME AROUND TOO! Take that you 16 year old show offs.

When it is my time to get my picture taken, the man from the front desk walks to the camera and takes over just as I sit in the chair in front of the beautiful old blue sheet used as a background. Really? He had to come back for my picture? So now he is cracking jokes. I can never tell if he is joking with me, or if he is making fun of me. Either way, the fate of my license is in his hands. So I play along and giggle and laugh. He finally asks me "So, how is Peter doing?". "Peter?" I think. "Who is Peter". Boy I tell you, if there was ever a time to think fast, this was it. So I look him straight in the eye and tell him "It's a shame. He is all grown up now." Well that got his attention. At first I thought I had offended him. Then he started laughing so hard he about fell out of his seat. After pulling himself together he explained to me that he has at least one Wendy come in each day. He has been asking that same question for several years. I was the first to get the joke. He couldn't believe it. After that, I think I finally had his respect. He even let me re-take my photo. Yes it is still awful, but at least I got a second chance.

This time as I walked out the door, I waved to my best bud who was doing her best to make the next victim shake in their boots and told the nice man behind the counter to have a nice day. They both look at me, smile and say "Happy New Year". And oh, what a happy new year this is going to be!